Having pain issues.

I said I would post more often, sorry.

I am admitting I am failing at almost all area's of my life.  I haven't been patient with Layla and time with her is precious.  I have been short with Brittney and at times quite bitchy.  I have snapped at Bill and have not showed him how much I appreciate all he does for me.

I just don't feel well.  Not only is this ever lingering pain still in my chest, for the last week or so my hands and feet just ache.  My ankles are swollen and bending my hands is just painful.  When I stand my feet hurt, when I sit my feet hurt, when I sleep at night I have cramps in my legs and feet and am up 4 or 5 times trying to work out the cramps.

I have an MRI tomorrow on the Thoracic region of my back.  My Pulmonologist told me he is just going down the list and checking things off that aren't wrong with me.  He can't figure out why my chest hurts.  He said it is possible that small sacs are bursting, but that is rare.  I don't know, it's just one more thing.  I can handle the chest pain most of the time.  My medication helps me take the edge off.  The racing heart and now the swollen feet and hands is the bad part at this moment.

I am hoping this is all a passing thing.  I haven't been to Curves in over a week now.  It doesn't look like I will be this week either.  Tomorrow an MRI, Wednesday an appointment with my Cardiologist and then Friday off to California to pick up our dog.  Somewhere in there I need a day to do some grocery shopping and get a few things finished in the yard.  Like our pool drained.

For some reason this job has fallen on my shoulders and dragging hose around the back yard leaves me out of air.  So, I do it so much per day.  Tomorrow afternoon I will get the power washer and then Bill will help because there are power tools involved.

I want to make sure it's washed out and totally dried before we put it away for the winter.

A mile high and out of air

I took a friend over the mountain today to Medford and the pass we cross is over a mile high.  I noticed going over that near the top my breathing got labored, but really just thought it was all the talking we were doing ... which also leaves me breathless sometimes.

On the way home also nearing the top it was obvious that I was not getting enough air and even Maria asked me if I was O.K..  As soon as we started getting down off the mountain my breathing got better.

We live at 4200 ft. so it never occurred to me that altitude may have an effect on me.  I guess it does.

Today is Wednesday and I have not been to Curves one day this week.  Something was going on each day that kept me busy.  I have tried to remain active at home.  I am somewhat following a healthy eating plan.  It astonishes me that I am having this hard of time getting back on track.  I somewhere lost my determination.
I know I felt better a few months ago than I do now.  As far as I can tell I have only gained 7 pounds, but it's hard to tell.  I know in April I was still losing about a pound a week.  Then May and June rolled around and I just quit every thing.  And, I have yet to begin again.

I am so disappointed in myself.  I need to find my will and get going again.  I need to set a schedule and follow it everyday.  It will take something like that to get me back into a routine.  Even including Curves and my trampoline.  I know I can do both.  The trampoline just astonishes me that I have lost momentum there.  I struggle now with 5 minutes.  I will eventually push past it... or if not I will do 5 minutes all day.

This talk of transplant again has caused terrible dreams.  Dreams of desperation laying on a table and watching the lungs get taken out of me and the new ones not working.  I never do find out the outcome ... if the new lungs eventually start, or the worse happens. The dream ends with the new lungs failing.
Nice huh?!  I am so afraid of this transplant business.  I guess my fear is coming out in my dreams.
I could do for a nice fantasy dream.

As for my Copd:
My breathing is painful.  I know they say the lungs have no feeling.  My lungs hurt.  I beg to differ with them.  Maybe parts of my chest cavity hurt?  I know the area that my lungs occupy aches.  How's that?  I feel fatigued.  It's like I am always a moment away from a nap.  I force myself to go through the daily motions.  I do my best to exercise and cook.  Some days I can vacuum and dust and do the floors.  Not everyday like I had been used to.  My house is not nearly as tidy as it used to be.  I just can't do it everyday.  It is never dirty, and the dishes are never left undone, and the bathroom is always clean, and the beds are always made.  It just isn't kept up the way I would like.
These things I can let go.  Life is not all about a clean house.  Living isn't hindered by dust or a cobweb that I can't see.

My friend Maria doesn't like to drive places she is unfamiliar with so I offered to drive her today to her doctor.  After her appointment she asked me if I wanted to do some shopping.  Honestly, I had no money this month.  My $$ went towards our drive and overnights stay next month to pick up Priscilla (the English Bulldog).  But, I told her I would love to go look.  We went to Pier 1 Imports and then to lunch at Olive Garden.  The area I knew very well.  Mom and I used to frequent it.  It made me so homesick for her.  I thought of her all day.  Those were our stores and how we would spend days when I would go visit her.  Going to Michael's and Pier 1 and Costco and Harry and Davids and then to lunch and a coffee from our favorite coffee house on the way back to Grants Pass.  God, I miss her!

I know it's been a while since I entered a blog.  I have felt so guilty admitting that I have failed in my weight loss.  Sometimes full disclosure isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I just have to keep reminding myself I am more than what the scale says.  I will try and do better about keeping up.
I will keep posting the darned weight... up, down or the same.
Next week I have a couple appointments I will tell you about.  I have a MRI scheduled to look at my upper back to see if there is any spinal damage or rib damage or anything out of place that may be causing my chest pain.
Also, the day after that I have another appointment with my Cardiologist.  I am going to ask them to either try another heart medication or get me off of the ones I am on.  They put me on them to slow my pulse rate and resting it is still 100+, so to me that means it's not working.

I'll let you know how those go.  Until then I will be back hopefully with news that my bad dreams stopped, that I have lost weight and that I have kept to my diet.  Talk about pressure!  LOL

Measurements and Wii bass fishing.

I told you last night that I would post my measurements and weight. I will updated it once a month.  Since I started on the 17th, then I'll keep it at that.

Here it is................

I will also try and get better pictures once a month.  LOL
I was back at Curves today, and instead of coming home and doing my 5 minutes on the trampoline I cleaned house.  I even vacuumed our front porch.  Then I played the Wii (bass fishing.. and I lost miserably) to try and get more movement in my day.

Today is the first day I have stuck to my diet.  I actually made a really healthy tuna sandwich with onions, pickles and a little lite mayo on plain Bagel Thins with watercress and tomatoes, and sliced cucumbers on the side.  :)  I have taken the sugar back out of my iced tea.  I thought about doing the stevia stuff, but thought if I can do without either I will be that much better off.

A great night with Bill and Layla,,, and a gorgeous bulldog face!

We went to a monthly event downtown tonight.  It's called Third Thursdays and they shut down main street and have vendors and bands and all the shops opened and out on the street.  It's quaint and an awesome way to spend time from 5:00 to 9:00 on a Thursday.  We of course were home by 8:00.  I just can't stand in one place for long and there wasn't much seating so we walked around.  Blocks and Blocks... I laughing told Bill it felt like I walked miles and he counted 18 blocks that we walked.
There were some really good bands though.  2 Blues bands and a couple old Rock and Roll bands.  The crowds in front of each kind of reflected the age group of the bands playing.  Oh yeah... on a side street there was a hip hop DJ spinning records and a big group of the youngsters there.  God... I sound old!

Bill and I counted over 20 "you poor thing" looks I got.  He was never really aware of them before.  I asked him a while ago when we would go shopping to watch peoples reaction to me.  It's not like I watch for them, it's just almost sad how even old people will clear a path for me to walk, or parents will grab their kids from my way.  It's a half way smile crossed with a little touch of pity.  I  can't stand it!
If it weren't for the heavy O2 tank in my purse that becomes miserable to carry around, I would forget I had on a cannula.  If my feet and legs didn't swell (which is a new thing) when I walked I might not remember I have health issues.  There really are moments that I don't have lung pain, and my breathing is comfortable, and I just think I am me.  Then I am reminded I am not like everyone else and that bothers me more than you could imagine.

Any way... Bill and Layla and I had a lovely evening.

Third Thursday, Klamath Falls downtown

Bill's oldest daughter Cari lives in LaHabra in Southern California.  She has 2 English Bulldogs and someone brought over another year old girl that had been abused.  I have always wanted one but couldn't afford the cost, anywhere from $500 to $2k.  So, we are meeting her about half way between us and she is giving me the dog.  She has been with Cari for 2 weeks already and gets along very well with her dogs.  Has been looked over by a vet.  Needs some medical attention which our vet said she would do for us.  She is a year old and lived most her life in a kennel.  When she was taken out the other dogs there would fight her.  She has scars.  From what Cari tells me she is just a baby.  I am very exited to have her and baby her.

This is Priscilla.  I just love that face!!

Because of being kept in a kennel and not exercised her back legs are bowed quite a bit, and she is very over weight.  She weighs 90+ pounds.  Cari has been walking her and going a little further every night.  It will be something we need to continue.  We'll do awesome together.  Cari says she gets tired and just lays down to rest and won't get up till she is good and ready!  LOL
So, on September 2nd we are going to pick her up.  I just can't wait.

As for my new diet plan.  I am having a terrible time getting started.  I need to rid the house again of all crap.  Cookies, biscone's cookies, cheese... you know ... the good stuff.

I had Britt come over today and measure me.  I was surprised at a few of the measurements and shocked by others.  Let's just say I have my work cut out for me again.  It seems since the end of April I have been on a downward spiral which really needs to stop!

I have been to Curves Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so far this week.  And, jumped on the trampoline a grand total of 5 minutes every day.  I just have lost all progress and am starting out at the bottom and working up again.

Tomorrow I will consider being brave and posting my measurements and weight so I can document a beginning marker.  Even though it shows on my BodyBugg program... If I am being "open and honest" with this blog that probably should include all things.  I'll think on it tonight and get my nerve up to post it tomorrow.

Now... there is a really exhausted little girl asleep in my bed that I want to go snuggle with.  Until tomorrow.

My most wonderful day with Layla

Our favorite Pelicans swimming by the Nature Trail

Yellow Cherries.  So good and Sweet.

Layla with her empty bucket because she ate all the blackberries.  

Her first ever visit to the Library.

Her choices of books to bring home, that we would read in an hour and go back for more.  :)

Layla spent all day yesterday with us and I made it a point to spend the entire day doing fun things just with and for her.

We had a blast.  Too much I guess.  Somewhere between the ice cream Grandma bought her and the Orange Juice Papa gave her, and the swimming and swinging at the park... she ended the evening throwing up.  :(

This morning she said even though she threw up she wanted to do it again!  LOL

Here is some pictures of our day.

Nothing that I didn't already know or suspect.

This afternoon I had my 6 month pulmonary appointment.  Every time I have so much anticipation going in to see him.  He is an excellent Dr..  And, I have all the faith in the world in him and putting my future in his hands.

First of all, I had lost 2 pounds.  (only 2 pounds!!) since my last visit with him 6 months ago.  Which means I have gained back at least 7 pounds.  No, No, No!

He did not mention my weight.  He did tell me I looked different, "very different".  I didn't ask if that was good or bad?

After we chatted and I filled him in on my emergency room stays and he looked over all the tests I have had ... he asked me if I have back pain also?  I told him I had back surgery and so yes I have had back pain for years.  Only usually not my upper back.  He ordered a thoracic MRI for me to make sure there is nothing broken, ruptured or out of place.

With that he told me that his plans for me include getting me ready to be accepted for transplant.  I told him I was afraid of surgery.  He said that will be what prolongs my life.  Brittney asked him what he meant by that and he said "she will need surgery to live longer."  I had known for a year or so.  And, I told Bill and Brittney that this was his plan for me, I think that they put it out of their minds.  Even today Brittney skimmed over that conversation and asked him if I wasn't on too many medications.  He said no and not only no but he is increasing my dosage of Advair to 250/50.
He told me to continue to work out but do so with common sense and be gentle to my body.  To listen to it and feel my limitations.  Good advice... hard to practice.

I am thinking that I will go back to Weight Watchers also.  I need that weekly accountability.  I will go back and start using the BodyBugg again and at least log my calories burned and consumed everyday.  I need to get back on schedule, and let Bill and Brittney know during these times I will be taking for me.  I will still utilize Curves and that will help me, especially keeping me flexible and strong if nothing else.

I need to begin drinking water again, and give up baking for a while.  I want to be near my goal of another 25 pounds by February, which is my next appointment with him.  Then I will have another spirometry test.

I will get my body ready for transplant or LVRS, but I will hold off as long as I can.  I am just terrified of having my lungs removed.  I am also just as terrified of having large amounts cut off of them and stapled shut with the hopes that no air will leak and no infection will grab hold.

It's a balancing game.  I cannot wait too long.  I cannot let my body get weakened by infections, or virus's.  I cannot continue on the path of gaining weight.  When the time comes that my body can't do it anymore I need to be prepared both mentally and physically to give my body to the hands of a higher power.  What ever my future will be, will be.

I will again be keeping you posted on my weight and how I am doing exercising.  And, when I gt back to my BodyBugg I will also keep you posted.
Here we go again.

Lemon Pie Cookies with Pink Lemon-aide frosting

Ingredients:

2 Sticks Butter, room temperature

1 cup powdered sugar (plus more for sprinkling after baked if desired)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 Lemon zested and squeezed (need 2 tablespoons of each)

2 cups flour

Directions:

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter, powdered sugar and salt until smooth.  Add the lemon juice and the zest.  On a low speed, add the four, 1/2 cup at a time until just incorporated.  Turn the cookie dough out onto a board covered in plastic wrap and roll into a log.  Wrap up and put in freezer to firm up.  (about an hour)

Preheat the oven to 350

Remove log and cut into thin 1/4 inch discs.  Line baking sheet with parchment paper or silicone baking mat and place cookies about 1" apart.  

Bake for 18-20 minutes.

Remove to wire rack to cool completely.

In the meantime add 1 cup powdered sugar, 4 ounces of cream cheese and 2-3 (or more to taste) tablespoons of frozen pink lemonaide concentrate.  mix well and put into ziplock bag to use as a pastry bag.  

When cookies cool, cut corner of bag and put a circle of frosting on one cookie, and top with another.

Makes about a dozen sandwitches.  :)

Biscone's (not quite a biscuit, not exactly a scone)

Ingredients:

3 cups flour  (plus 2 tablespoons to shape dough ball after mixing)

1/4 cup sugar

2 tablespoons baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt for savory biscone's

1 teaspoon course black pepper

1/2 cup cold butter, cut into cubes

1 1/2 cup cold buttermilk

1/2 cup grated sharp cheddar cheese (I just cut a hunk off and didn't measure it)

*I added a teaspoon of garlic powder.

1 egg plus a tablespoon water for egg wash

Preheat oven to 375

Add all the dry ingredients to a large bowl.  Cut in the butter with a fork or pastry blender until the butter is the consistancy of peas, leave a few larger pieces of butter... it makes the pastry more flaky.  Gradually add the cold buttermilk until it is just combined.  Add the cheese.  Do not overwork the dough.  I used my hands for the entire procedure.

In the same bowl, pat down the dough and dust with 1 tablespoon of the extra flour, turn over and repeat to other side.  

On a baking sheet lined with parchment paper or silicone baking mats with a icecream scoop, scoop out and flatten slightly.  They do not spread while cooking so you can get them pretty close together. 

Wash the tops with the egg wash and bake 18-20 minutes or until golden brown.  Turn over half way through baking to get both sides brown.

Turn out onto a cooling rack.

Get a cube of butter and help yourself!  YUM

A good day

I managed to get to Curves 3 days this week, and use my trampoline for a grand total of 5 minutes one other day.

On the way there I drove by a live in care facility for the elderly.  A very nice place, nicely landscaped.  Outside on the sidewalk I noticed many framed pictures, probably 20 or more.  Also a lot of silk arrangements and silk trees and a little bit of furniture.  I should have stopped on my way to Curves.  On the way home I pulled into the parking lot and went to look.  There were a few pictures left.  Very nice ones.  Good quality framing and matting.  I realized that one of the occupants must have passed away.  :(

I bought 2 26x 23" pictures and 1 30x37" one.  Bill said he will paint the living room for me this winter, so with the new paint they will go really well with the red highlights that goes with the mostly beige furniture and rug.  I got all 3 pictures for 20$.  I wish I could have seen the others that were there.

I spent all day cleaning out the guest/Layla's room.  Layla is a little pack rat.  She loves small pieces of paper.  Her mom was the same way.  I am not sure where that comes from?  LOL  Any way... I went and bought 2 cans of brown spray paint for plastic and painted some of those plastic drawers on wheels.  Now, she can have a place for toys and "craft supplies".

All and all it was a pretty good day.  Tomorrow I plan to do some baking and work some more on the cookbooks, which I have a pretty good start on.  I should have no problems getting 3 of them done before the holidays.  I would have loved a gift like that from my mom.  Britt and I decided that we are going to limit gifts this year for the adults.  One bought gift per person.  But we can make as many as we want.  I love giving things to people at Christmas and friends is easy because I bake so much.  For Brittney it's more difficult because whatever I make all year I just give to her.  I will have to be sneaky this year.  :)  And, Bill... well what do you get for the man who wants nothing?  LOL

Any way.. a good day.  I had a little bit of a difficult time going around the second loop at Curves, I was out of breath and making noises to get air.  I think the ladies were worried about me.

I have some doctor appointments coming up with lots of questions to ask.  Mostly about these sharp pains which are followed by panic attacks, which bring on terrible headaches and lately have been making me sick to my stomach.
Also though I want to talk to him about the stem cell transplant thing.  The doctor has called me twice now wanting to know if I have come to any conclusions about it.  I want my pulmonologist to look over the material the Dr. sent to me.
Also, my feet are swelling.  It happens all the time.  Whether I am walking a lot, sitting a lot, while I am sleeping... I will get up and it hurts so bad to walk on my feet I limp on both legs to get somewhere to sit down.  Then once I can move around the pain goes away but the swelling stays.

O.K. I am off of here for the night.  I am looking forward to a quiet tomorrow with my cookbooks and baking.  :)

Unwanted comments

I have had better days.  Breathing wise I did alright.  I even managed to jump on my trampoline for a grand total of 5 minutes!  LOL  I did make a huge pot of re-fried beans, a ton of carne-asada and a big bowl of guacamole.  We had the best burritos tonight for dinner.  YUM

I had an unexpected visitor comment on my last blog post.  I have an idea who this person is... but the brilliant thing about being anonymous is that there is always that question of who exactly the commenter is.  

I have made a promise to myself to document my life after diagnoses.  This may last 10 years... or 3... who knows.  The point is, no one with some rude comments will run me off.  I will continue to be honest about my life and the choices I had to make to get here.  If someone has ugly comments they can keep them to themselves.  I promised to leave up all comments, and I still intend to, however if they persist on commenting just to make me uncomfortable, then I will use my delete button.

Some people are just so unhappy in their own lives that they can't let anyone else grab a moment of happiness.  Really... have they not been reading this blog?  I would not wish my life on any one!  

Any way, I take these things very personal and I couldn't shake it all day.  I won't dwell on it, and I will let it go.  Let's hope they don't continue to show up with unwanted comments.

A conversation I was not ready for

I haven't been made to look back at how I began this journey.  Tonight I went back to the beginning.  To the decisions I made, the divorce that followed, the raw emotion that was a result of it.

It's been 2 years.  I say it quite a bit for one thing or the other... I am "divorced".
I haven't re-lived the shame and huge blow that applying for state health insurance and SSI brought to me.  To qualify for any of that I had to give up everything.  My husband, now my friend, boyfriend, what???  My car and house which I worked and helped pay off is now out of my name.  I have no bank account, I have no possessions.  Well, I do but legally they do not belong to me.

I am like anyone else.  I am proud.  I don't like to be reminded that I am on a "welfare program" such as SSI.  Like I was reminded tonight.  And, the gentleman who put those words out there did so not to shame me, but to show how the system works.  It just caught me so off guard.  I didn't respond properly.  I instead lashed out like a child.

I am not that different from any other smoker who gets emphysema. I did not set out thinking I will smoke for 30+ years and then end my life on oxygen.  Not one of us wants this disease.  There is a lot of guilt that goes along with this.

I wanted to help someone get medications... I ended up making a fool of myself.  I'll be ready for the next conversation or just stay out of it.

Low oxygen levels, warning signs to look for

All patients who have been prescribed with additional oxygen, which is provided either through oxygen tanks or oxygen concentrators, have to adjust their lives to their new reality. This implies both the effects on lifestyle and monitoring their oxygen intake.  In a reasonably short period of time patients who must have supplemental oxygen become experts in the use of their oxygen units.  
There is a risk however that when the patient, or their caretaker, is on "automatic pilot" their concentration lapses and it could be that the oxygen supply is not as it should be.  Setting things up automatically could raise the risk of lack of oxygen as concentration levels are down.  The lack of oxygen has important side effects and one of these is that concentration and awareness drops off and this means the person suffering a lack of oxygen doesn't realize it. A reduced oxygen flow can be caused by various things, such as a twist in the tube, a problem with the flow valve or other simple things.

Pass the word to those who are close to you and share the warning signs of a lack of oxygen; and for those who have someone close, a relative or friend, who is dependant on oxygen, be observant.Make sure you and those near you can recognize the lack of oxygen signs so as to react accordingly.  Pulse oximeters are a great checking tool if you suspect a lack of oxygen.

6 Signs of lack of Oxygen.

1. A physical sign can be a bluish color on the lips or fingernails.
2. During speech another sign can be slurred words and incoherent sentences.
3. Headaches can result form a lack of oxygen.
4. Feeling drowsy and having trouble staying awake.
5. If you noice irregular breathing, shortness of breath and/or shallow breathing, this could be a sign of lack of oxygen.
6. A feeling of anxiety.

These can be warning signs of a lack of oxygen and therefore the next step is to confirm or deny this.  The most immediately effective method is to read the oxygen saturation levels with a pulse oximeter.If you or someone near you is on supplemental oxygen, make sure to pass on this knowledge.

It doesn't matter if this causes a few false emergencies - just one correct reaction will be worth it. Lack of oxygen is bad news and if you or someone near you is not getting enough a quick reaction from someone close by with surely help.

Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/diseases-and-conditions-articles/6-signs-of-lack-of-oxygen-in-copd-patients-1020574.html#ixzz1UYFzDfVy 
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution No Derivatives

Back to Curves

I woke up this morning and as I drank my coffee I felt a tug kind of along with pain in my left upper lung.  I waited for it to get worse but it didn't, so I went and put on my work out clothes and left for Curves.  I did a full workout and felt fine.  Actually, it felt wonderful to be back.  This week on and week off isn't doing me much good.
I came home and as soon as I began to walk in the house the tug and pain returned.  Still not bad enough to begin my drug therapy.  Just annoying enough to know it's lingering there.

We had a good weekend.  Saturday we went to the Fair with the kids.  It was hot and walking around took it out of me.  We came home and relaxed under the big walnut tree in the back yard and Layla spent the night with me.  Sunday Britt came and picked up Layla and I went into the kitchen and made a salad and a cake to take over to Maria's for a BBQ.  We were home by 7:00.

I had a terrible time last night trying to get to sleep.  My meds didn't work, which just left me tossing and turning.  This is about the 4th time this week that my sleeping has been terrible.

I mentioned to Bill that it may just be that I need to take a day off in-between outings.  Even a simple BBQ to me is like a workout.  It's difficult for me to be perfectly comfortable at other people's houses only because I am tethered to my cannula and it tends to get in every one's way.
So, with today's workout that is 3 days in a row of activity.  I wasn't sure if I wasn't pushing myself too hard again.  I am so leery of over-doing things now.  This last attack really put the fear in me.  But... at the same time, I wanted to keep a 3 day a week workout schedule.  Monday, Wednesday and Friday... if I missed Monday the whole week would be screwed up.

This working out is the one thing that I think is keeping me going. Keeping my body somewhat toned or at least in shape, stretched and bended and worked over.  It makes me feel stronger, and I really do think that is so important for me.  It would be so easy for me to just sit down and give in... but I would be far worse off if I did that.  My breathing would get worse, my circulation would get worse, my Fibromyalgia would get worse... and on down the line.  Even when I get to the point of transplant or LVRS I want my body to be as strong as possible to help me heal faster and heaven forbid  infections happen... my body will be stronger to fight them.

So.. Today I am slowing down the rest of the day.  Tomorrow I will find something to do in place of working out.  Maybe my trampoline.  I will take it day by day and do my best not to over-do.

I am too tired to be an all star

I find myself in a new position.  My last "episode" I treated myself at home with medication directed by my doctor.  It seemed to be more intense, and on top of everything throughout the entire 5 or 6 hours I was nauseated and had a terrible headache.

Normally I have done what the doctors ask and take it easy for a week, then resume my normal activities.  Well, this time there are no doctors orders.  There is me and my common sense.  Only this time I feel like my common sense is cowardly and that is not like me.  This time I am afraid to resume normal activity. 

Last Sunday was miserable, tense, uncomfortable, scary... you name it.  I went to Curves yesterday and did my monthly weigh in and measurement.  Well, with all the interruptions this month was a waste.. only not really because I can begin to see definition in my arms and my thighs are smaller, my neck is smaller, and my waist is smaller.  My arms, legs and butt and breasts all got bigger. 

I was talking with the lady who works there and she suggested that instead of 5 days a week, maybe I should try 3 days.  Yep, she is probably right.  That's what they suggested when I first began, but me being me wanted to show everyone I was invincible.  Pffft!  Even my doctor commented on what a example I am.  Yep, keep telling me nice things and I will perform.  I feel like a monkey at the carnival.  Absolutely nothing against the nice people complimenting me and giving me praise on my accomplishments.  I never take that lightly, and appreciate all of that.  I do however realize that I am pushing myself harder than I normally would.

It's a fine line.  I will not give up, but I have to take a step back and be kinder to my body and my lungs.  Overworking and being out of breath to where I am panting... I think on a daily basis takes it out of me and overworks my already stressed lungs, which is probably causing these frequent "episodes".  Can you tell I scared myself? 

Well, I am starting Monday going to Curves .... Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  If I feel up to the task I will get on my trampoline in-between like my doctor suggested.  I am to tired to be the all star anymore .. at least for now.  I just want to work out for brief periods, eat healthy and relax.  Even dusting and vacuuming is exhausting to me.  I am a poor excuse for a wife/partner whatever these days. 

Ughhh... I am not having a positive night.  Sorry.  This is something I will have to work on.  I will not dwell on feeling bad or tired, but I will not pretend that I am invincible. 

Home made Cheese Crackers and Cook Books

Today Bill and Brittney went golfing, leaving me home alone.  :)  I cannot smile enough!  Why is it when I am home alone I get so much more accomplished.  Bill and I don't entertain each other during the day so I dunno?  One of life's mysteries I guess.

One of our bookstores are going out of business, which will leave our small town with NO bookstores!  I am so saddened.  Not even that I go buy books ever week, or even every month.  But, I do love books and feel like with technology they may go away like the video stores have.  There is just nothing like turning the page to a book.  Ughh  Do they call this progress?  I wonder sometimes.

I went in and bought 4 empty cookbooks that I can just write in.  They are really nice they have all the dividers for different food groups and even have awesome plastic sleeves so you can just remove a page and wipe it clean if you spill.  I thought I would start these now and give them for Christmas gifts.
So, today I took out all my recipes and the ones I "have been meaning to try" are left on the dining room table so I can try one every other day or so. 
Today I made Cheese Crackers.  They are really good, and were so easy.  I will change the recipe next time.  They are very light and remind me kind of a goldfish cracker.  Which gave me the idea to add Parmesan cheese to some, olive oil and cracked pepper to some, and cayenne pepper and pepper flakes to others.  :)  I made mine too thick.  I'll have to work differently next time where I can roll the dough out thinner so the crackers are more crisp.

I took this entire week off again of Curves.  I talked with my doctor and she suggested that I try 3 days a week instead of 5 and then do my trampoline only if I am feeling strong.  All this time since Sundays episode I still have a pain in my chest and I get dizzy standing.  My feet and legs have started to swell.  I am drinking plenty of water and still eating no salt so I am not sure about this.  Unless it is just the heat.  They get so painful that it is painful to walk. 

Any way... Here are some pictures to show my great day today. 

Recipe for Cheese Crackers... adjust as you like

My batch made 95 crackers

1 1/2 (6 oz) extra-sharp Cheddar Cheese grated
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick of butter) softened
3/4 cup flour (plus some for dusting board and rolling pin)
1/2 teaspoon salt (I left this out and substituted garlic powder)
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes. ( I would use more next time)
1 1/2 tablespoon of milk

Preheat oven to 350

Cover baking sheet with parchment paper

Put everything except milk into a food processor and pulse until crumbled texture.  Add milk and pulse until dough begins to form a ball.  You may need to adjust milk. 
Roll the dough out on a floured board with a rolling pin until about 1/8" thick.  Using a pizza cutter or sharp knife cut into 1" strips, then into 1" squares.
Using the flat end of a chop stick or skewer poke a hole in the center of each cracker.

Place crackers at least a 1/4" apart on parchment paper.  Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown. 
Remove and let cool on baking sheet completely.

Eat!  Or, store in a covered container to eat within a day or two. 

Play with the flavors... I intend too.  Hope you like them.

Good days and a bad one

(I am frustrated... somehow white highlighting got formatted, and I am in no mood to figure out how to remove it.  Sorry if it's distracting. )

It's been a while.  I got busy living.  :)  I had spent everyday in the pool floating around listening to music and pretending I was back on the beach in Mexico. 

Friday Bill and I went over to Britt's and had a BBQ with her and Layla.  Fernando had gone hiking.  Layla was driving her car around the backyard and this is what the result was.  Bill told her she is not unlike many women drivers... she thought that was a compliment.

I love Britt's house.  It is big, but it nestled in with all the pine trees and so quiet.  We had planned to stay there until it got dark and cooled off some to get into the hot tub.  It never cooled down!  LoL  Isn't that a crack up that Layla drove her car over the top of the only big boulder in the yard!  lol  She was so pissed that I took her picture.  I told her someday her future husband will love that picture! 


Saturday we had a pool party with Britt and Layla (Fernando was gone hiking) and Becky and Kevin and their youngest daughter.  It was an awesome day.  I really enjoyed having the kids here.  Becky and Brittney have been friends for 20 years, so she is just like one of my kids. 
Bill BBQ'd and we just had a lovely day...

Then Sunday Bill and I decided to have a slow day.  I had even talked him into getting into the pool with me and floating around for a while.  I had just finished cleaning out the pool (the pictures below) and started feeling sick to my stomach and dizzy.  Within an hour I was panting for air and having chest pains and terrible throbbing pains in my right elbow and right knee and ankle.  Every joint on my right side was KILLING me.  I have never had that happen before. 

Right after this I was in the house taking the new series of medications my doctor had just prescribed for me the previous week.

How quickly things can go from excellent to terrible.  My pulse which is usually 100+ was hovering near 70.  My oxygen would go from 85 to 98.  I was just all over the place.  After about 6 hours or so I finally threw up which helped my over-all feeling, but the chest pain still lingers today.  It is nothing like it was yesterday, but it is there reminding me there will be no exercise or exertion for the next few days.

Can you know how frustrating that is to me?  I look forward to my workouts and even my trampoline.  It seems like since about May I have not been able to keep a consistent work out or routine.  I can go for a few weeks then I am knocked back down again.  I am wondering if this is my body telling me the working out is too vigorous?  God, I hope not.  I am not doing well with my dieting even though I am eating healthy... does that make sense?  Any way... without a workout I am afraid I will start putting the weight back on. 
It's not even just the weight.  I feel stronger when I am well.  I feel healthy, even with this cannula on.  Then on the flip side when I am down... it is something I can only describe as the worse feeling I have ever had along with sharp stabbing pain.  The sharp stabbing pain makes my body not want to breath in and out to avoid the pain... then my senses take over and I feel like I am suffocating.  It is like living a horror movie.

Enough of the dramatics... I am just lost.  How can I go from such a good feeling, so quickly to a spiral downward?  Nothing can prepare me for it.  Nothing can tell me it's coming so I can mentally prepare for it. 

This is something I will have to deal with evidently.  Maybe with time I will be able to tell a slight difference in something to tell me it's coming. 

So, today I am back to taking it easy.  To not put any undo stress on my body.  Ugh